How To Forget You Are Lonely
Rosie O'Donnell was trimming thorns from roses at the flower shop where she worked. Rosie O'Donnell worked at the flower shop for about four years now. Rosie O'Donnell worked six days a week, eight hours each day, and made $7.00 an hour. Rosie O'Donnell felt severely dissatisfied with life in general.
“I hate these fucking rose thorns. I am going to not trim the thorns on these roses and I am going to give them to the next asshole that comes through those doors”.
“Yeah, but, Rosie, you'll get fired,” said Halle Berry.
“I don't care if I get fired, Halle Berry. I've been working at this goddamned place for four years and I still haven't gotten a raise. I forgot what it's like to have fun anymore. What do you do for fun, Halle Berry?”
“I don't know, I guess sometimes I crochet mittens. I like to bake things. A few nights ago I bought a Netflix subscription and watched three seasons of 'Little House on the Prairie'. I guess that's what I do for fun”.
“See?” said Rosie O'Donnell. I don't even have a Netflix subscription. I don't know how to crochet. The last thing I baked was a vegan lasagna and I burned the cheese too much. I am not having any fun working at this shitty job. All I do is wake up, get dressed, come to work, eat, go home, eat, and go to sleep. I am becoming an obese flower girl”.
“It's okay to be obese,” said Halle Berry, “but you have to do something more fun”.
“I am going to jump through that storefront window. I am going to do it. I want to crash through the storefront window at the speed of light holding a dozen roses. I will tell the boss that someone threw a brick through there and we got robbed. Will you lie for me? I want to do it”.
“I don't know if I feel comfortable with lying,” said Halle Berry. “I think there are cameras. What if the boss wants to look at the security tapes? We will both be fucked. The boss will see you jumping through the glass window. He will make you pay”.
“I won't pay. I will do it directly after I receive my paycheque. I will say 'I jumped through your window, you asshole, take it out of my cheque!'”
“That seems like a fraudulent thing to do, Rosie O'Donnell. I think you are going insane or something. Maybe you should take the day off. I can finish trimming the rose thorns. I like doing it. Let me do it”.
“Yeah, maybe I do need to take the day off,” said Rosie O'Donnell. “I haven't really been sleeping at night. My roommate has this new cat that I think I am allergic to. It's not even the fact that I am allergic to the cat that is bothering me—it just doesn't shut up. It meows all of the time. I think it might be in heat. How do you know if a cat is in heat?”
“I think it bleeds a little. It has a period”.
“Cat period”.
“Yes, a feline period. It is gross. Some people make their cats and dogs wear diapers when they are in heat”.
“'Cat period diaper'. Seems totally fucked. Where does the tail go?” asked Rosie O'Donnell.
“What do you mean, 'where does the tail go?' Go where?” replied Halle Berry.
“I mean, like, where does the tail go when they put on the diaper? Is there a hole for the tail to stick out or is the cat's tail just bunched up inside of the diaper?”
“Hmm, I don't know. I think it's bunched up. Maybe the cat feels uncomfortable wearing the diaper” said Halle Berry.
“Yes, the cat is probably severely depressed,” said Rosie O'Donnell. “Okay, I am going to clock out. Can you finish trimming these roses, Halle Berry? I will love you for life if you do”.
“Yeah, I'll finish trimming them. Just go home and get some rest or something. Send me a text message later if you feel like doing something. We never hang out. We spend six days—eight hours, each day, together—and we never hang out, outside of work. I think we should hang out. Maybe I can teach you some fun things to do”.
“Yes, that seems good. Maybe I will send you a text message later. I feel like I might just go home and sleep, though. I'll just see how I am feeling, I guess. If I don't see you later, I will see you tomorrow,” said Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie O'Donnell gave Halle Berry a high five and then she left the flower shop.
On the way back to her apartment, Rosie O'Donnell stopped at a coffee shop and ordered a vegan banana chocolate chip muffin and a freshly squeezed orange juice. The cashier looked at Rosie O'Donnell for a long time.
“Is there something on my face?” asked Rosie O'Donnell.
“No, it's just, I was wondering where you got that jacket. It looks really good,” said the cashier.
“Oh, I don't know where I got this jacket. It is at least 12 years old. Maybe older. If I bought it at a thrift store it is probably older. This jacket is probably older than you. What do you like about my jacket?”
“It has good buttons, I think. The collar is good too. It hugs your neck. I like when jackets look like they are hugging people. I am lonely,” said the cashier.
“That's okay, I am lonely too. I think the whole world is lonely. This vegan banana chocolate chip muffin looks lonely—just look at it,” said Rosie O'Donnell. She tapped on the vegan banana chocolate chip muffin with her forefinger.
“Yes, it's lopsided. It has a deformity. I am sorry for selling you a deformed muffin,” said the cashier.
“That's okay. Deformed muffins still taste like normal muffins, I think. I will let you know tomorrow. Are you working tomorrow?” asked Rosie O'Donnell.
“Yes, I am working tomorrow. I would like it if you told me how your deformed muffin tastes. You should tell me tomorrow,” said the cashier.
“Yes, I will tell you tomorrow. I am going home to eat my deformed vegan muffin now and maybe I will go to sleep. I think my roommate's cat is having its period,” said Rosie O'Donnell.
“Cat period? Okay, see you tomorrow,” said the cashier.
Rosie O'Donnell left the coffee shop and walked for fifteen minutes. She arrived at her apartment building and took her keys out of her fanny pack. Rosie O'Donnell opened the front door to her apartment building and checked her mailbox. There was nothing inside. She climbed three flights of stairs and went down a narrow hallway. Rosie O'Donnell took another key and opened up her door. She could hear the cat screaming from inside.
“I'm really sorry for my cat's screaming. I think she is sad,” said Lindsay Lohan.
“Your cat is not sad it is just having its period,” said Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie O'Donnell felt a little annoyed.
“Oh, really? I noticed blood on the floor this morning but I didn't think it was from the cat. I thought you had an accident or something,” said Lindsay Lohan.
“Oh, yes, I tried to slit my wrists but it didn't work. I felt depressed and went to work and now I am home early because I tried to slit my wrists with rose thorns but that didn't work. I am just going to go to bed now,” said Rosie O'Donnell.
“Are you serious?” asked Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan's eyes were wide and her mouth was frowning.
“No, I am not serious. It's your cat. It is having its period. I think you should get a cat diaper for your cat. It is sad because it is having its period. It is screaming,” said Rosie O'Donnell.
“Okay, I will probably pick up a cat diaper tomorrow morning before school. Do you think I should wrap it in toilet paper now or something?” asked Lindsay Lohan.
“What do you mean, 'wrap it in toilet paper?' What part of the cat would you wrap?”
“Like, from its vagina to it's back. I would just wrap it up a lot. I would wrap it around its body.”
“Cat burrito,” said Rosie O'Donnell.
“No, cat mummy,” said Lindsay Lohan.
“Right, cat mummy. Okay, if you want to wrap its body with toilet paper then I think that's okay. Maybe it will feel less sad if it is wrapped up. Maybe it is scared of the blood. The cat probably doesn't know about periods,” said Rosie O'Donnell.
“Yes, the cat probably didn't have sex ed.,” said Lindsay Lohan.
“Okay, I am going to bed. I feel depressed. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight,” said Lindsay Lohan, “say 'goodnight', cat.”
The cat looked at Rosie O'Donnell and screamed.
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walter mackey is a blogger from canada. he is the co-creator of screaming seahorse and maintains a fairly good internet presence at judgejudyisprobablynotavegan.tumblr.com. in his spare time he also likes to play monopoly with friends on pogo.com and cry in his room.